I’m an expert at first dates. In theory, that is. In practice, it all depends on my mood, my present attitude towards dating, as well as the current state of my hormones (I generally let these guys free reign me through life.) That said, I have been known to nip many a first date in the bud, guaranteeing that the man in question doesn’t as much as consider coming back for seconds. Since certain talents don’t come as naturally for most people as they do for me (that’s why its called a gift, duh), I have decided to do y’all some good by creating a comprehensive little guide on How to Ruin a Date in 10 Easy Steps.
1. Be late. Nothing sets the tone like arriving on a date 30 – 60 minutes past scheduled time. It says everything you want to say right away: “I’m selfish. I have zero respect for your time. I have zero time management skills. You should never depend on me for anything.”
2. Don’t ask any questions. In fact, make sure that you finish the date knowing as little about the other person as you did before. I actually once dated a guy who told me he hated asking ‘cliché’ personal questions like “Do you have brothers or sisters?” Please keep in mind that I knew extensive details about his family life, while he had no idea if I have a brother or a sister or a fucking parakeet.
3. However, talk a lot about yourself.Don’t spare any details – you want them to like you exactly for who you are! Use sexy words like “congested” and “menstrual” to really get their imagination running.
4. Drink more than the other person. This way, you can reveal intimate details about your life. Try to get into the Depressing D’s right away: Divorce, Disorder, Disease – any of these will suffice. Get emotional, maybe shed a tear. Somebody recently told me about a guy who cried for 30 minutes while telling his date about his parents’ divorce. Why pay a therapist when you can torture people for free?
5. When in doubt, talk about you ex. In fact, try to revert every conversation back to them, even if it doesn’t have much sense. “You like pizza? My ex loved pizza too! With mushrooms!” See, it doesn’t need to make sense. You just make sure that it is perfectly obvious that your ex is always on your mind, and that you love himhate himlove to hate him would kill a baby chiwawa for a chance to jump their bones.
6. Invite your friends to join you. Preferably a bunch of them. (I once made it all the way to 8!) Make sure they tell really embarrassing stories about other people you used to date. Personally, I like to invite my friend Antoine, because he never fails to call me a “man-eating bitch” and recount stories of my smelly hipster past.
7. Make sure to inquire if he has any cute friends. For you and all your girlfriends to double and triple-date, of course. Because there is nothing guys like more than paying for a bunch of chicks in bulk.
8. Go all America Psycho on them. I recently had a guy grab my phone out of my hands and start analyzing my Facebook photos, one by one, zooming into them right in front of me. Why save for tomorrow the stalking that can be done today?
9. If you don’t like the guy, tell them on the spot. (Preferably, after they paid.) I have a girlfriend who loves doing this. She feels guilty leading men on, so she informs them right away that shit ain’t gonna work out, adding, for good measure, that she would “love to stay friends”. Somehow, she’s always surprised when they refuse to speak to her afterwards. I’m always surprised when they don’t strangle her and leave her as roadkill to the wolves.
10. If you do like the guy, text immediately after the date. If he don’t respond within two hours, text again. I suggest a 360 degrees approach, integrating What’s App, Snapchat, even the new bogus BBM. Calling is great too – make sure you are simultaneously spying on them via Whats App, that way you know if they are bouncing your calls! And you can send them really scary emojis if they are!
Now, I’m sure you have some of your own recipes that you would like to share. I’M ALL EARS!!